Happy Friday đľâŞď¸đ´!
FridayDotsđľâŞď¸đ´ is probably the last place youâd look for marital advice. But today, Iâm sharing some - because, well, it's Friday, because it's a nice opening for the theme I wanted to explore in this edition and - most importantly - because it's not mine so you won't be able to blame it on me if it hasn't worked.
This advice comes from one of the characters in the novel The Covenant of Water by Abraham Verghese, which I highly recommend as a summer read. Itâs the type of novel I love most, where the destinies of individuals and families intertwine with the rich and tumultuous history of their region, country, and the world. It draws you in and doesnât let go until youâve turned the last page.
#1 Marital Advice
So, in this novel, thereâs an old matchmaker who has arranged countless marriages in the community. In a conversation over tea, he shares three key lessons about marriage from his long and rich career. Can anyone guess Lesson #1? Finding the right person?
Wrong. Lesson #1 is simple: Set the Date: "Because you set a date and you're committed!"
If you want to know the other lessons on marriage, youâll have to read the book. I can only reassure or shock you that NONE of them is about finding the right person.
Set the Date
You probably know from your own experience how setting a date - especially publicly - seals commitment and boosts accountability. Venue booked, tickets sold, thereâs no turning back. The approaching deadline heightens energy and adrenaline. A couple of weeks ago, I had an opportunity to attend a dress rehearsal for my daughterâs ballet school performance. Despite the palpable pressure and last-minute adjustments, I was confident it would come together on the big day. And it did!
This adrenaline rush towards a deadline, the focused collective effort to make it happen - and often appear perfect - is beautifully captured in Netflix's 7 Days Out. If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it, too. My favourite episode is about the final days before Eleven Madison Park restaurant's reopening. It offers a fascinating glimpse behind the scenes of a place known for "Unreasonable Hospitality."
But don't set it too early
In another great book that I gladly recommend to savour as a summer read, The Creative Act: A Way of Being, music producer Rick Rubin breaks the creative process into four phases: Seed, Experimentation, Craft, and Completion. Setting deadlines in the first two phases can be counterproductive, but it's essential for the last two. As Rubin says, "Art doesn't get made on the clock, but it can get finished on the clock."
And don't make it a Dreadline
The art of setting deadlines involves avoiding "dreadlines," as suggested by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson in my all-time favorite manifesto of great work, done calmly, It Doesn't Have to Be Crazy at Work. Dreadlines are "unrealistic dates mired by ever-expanding project requirements. More work piles on, but the timeline remains the same. That's not work; that's hell."
A deadline turns into a "dreadline" when an unreasonable amount of work must be completed in an unreasonably short time or when there's an unrealistic expectation of quality or excellence given the available resources and time.
The authorsâ suggestion? Don't dread the deadline, embrace it while keeping the scope variable. "The deadlines should remain fixed and fair. What's variable is the scope of the problem - the work itself. You can't fix a deadline and then add more work to it. That's not fair. A deadline with a flexible scope invites pushback, compromises and tradeoffs - all ingredients in healthy, calm projects."
Let me finish this edition with not one, but two musical dots, two iconic performances in tune with todayâs theme and with lingering uncertainty of the outcome of the heart affairs described in both songs: "Seven Days" by Sting, featuring the wizardry of Vinnie Colaiuta on drums, and the perfect summer song, "Seven Days in Sunny June" by Jamiroquai. Happy Friday & have a wonderful summer weekend! đľâŞď¸đ´
More đ´ for curious minds:
đ´ âWhy You Will Marry the Wrong Personâ by Alain de Botton: âChoosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for⌠The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesnât exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently â the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the ânot overly wrongâ person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.â
đ´ âThe Covenant of Waterâ by Abraham Verghese: Spanning the years 1900 to 1977, The Covenant of Water follows a family in southern India that suffers a peculiar affliction: in every generation, at least one person dies by drowning - and in Kerala, water is everywhere. At the turn of the century a twelve-year-old girl, grieving the death of her father, is sent by boat to her wedding, where she will meet her forty-year-old husband for the first time. From this poignant beginning, the young girl and future matriarch - known as Big Ammachi - will witness unthinkable changes at home and at large over the span of her extraordinary life, full of the joys and trials of love and the struggles of hardship.
đ´ âThe Creative Act: A Way of Beingâ by Rick Rubin: From the legendary music producer, a master at helping people connect with the wellsprings of their creativity, comes a beautifully crafted book many years in the making that offers that same deep wisdom to all of us.
đ´ It Doesnât Have to Be Crazy at Work by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson: âChaos shouldnât be the natural state at work. Anxiety isnât a prerequisite for progress. Sitting in meetings all day isnât required for success. These are all perversions of work â side effects of broken models and âbestâ practices. This book treats the patient, calls out false cures, and pushes back against ritualistic time-sucks that have infected the way people work these days.â